Beyond The Menu

My inner dialogue progressively blurred as the new beliefs I held of myself bypassed reflection and morphed into actions: opting for the lowest-calorie foods, pretending not to be hungry, and secretly discarding meals during school lunch. As starvation mode took hold, my brain’s capacity for logical thinking dwindled. A distorted perception of my body image convinced me I was “bigger” than I actually was, compelling me to wear baggy clothes that masked my drastic weight loss from others. My neglected thoughts became like a forgotten cloth, buried at the bottom of my drawer.

As my lenses increasingly fogged, it became harder to remember that I owned the appropriate cloth to clean them. I never desired to starve myself or feel fearful at the thought of consuming butter in my meals. Yet, the farther I distanced myself from confronting the false identity that emerged from my childhood experiences of being overweight and constantly reminded of it, the deeper I fell into the trance of a harmful mindset.

My intense engagement with my inner critic designed a false identity within myself, a “false self” without my active awareness. It was as if my false self was intentionally placing the cloth in new places, ensuring it remains forgotten to maintain control.

This clouded perception shielded me from the damage I was inflicting upon myself, culminating in a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa—a severe eating disorder defined by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) criteria: significantly low body weight due to restricted energy intake, an intense fear of gaining weight despite being underweight, and a disturbance in how one perceives their body or the undue influence of weight on self-evaluation.

It’s important to note that I have been recovered for ten years now. Seeking professional help for anorexia taught me the immense value of therapeutic processes. If you’re struggling with disordered eating or any harmful behaviors, I strongly encourage you to seek professional support and review the resources page for further insights from professional organizations. Beyond the Menu was created as a supportive resource—not a substitute—for professional help for those facing internal challenges that could lead to eating disorders or other personal struggles. My insights aim to complement, not replace, individualized care.

To this day, the significant impact of my therapeutic journey has helped me develop a compassionate, proactive mindset, enabling me to understand the reasons behind the beliefs that led to choices which eventually took on a life of their own. This insight led me to develop strategies to overcome disordered eating patterns I encountered in later years. While I plan to delve deeper into these experiences in future posts, I mention them briefly now to emphasize the importance of reminding ourselves that we possess the materials necessary for routinely cleaning our mental lenses.

Thank you so much for reading and being here for the first blog post! Through each post, I encourage you to confront personal challenges through the Specials of the Day, Beyond the Menu prompts provided below—whether through writing, drawing, or simply reflecting—whatever works best for you!

Engaging with these questions may serve as a guide to help you trace back the steps to your forgotten cloth, offering a clearer perspective on the layers within your identity.

Reference: American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), 2013.